Empathy, Consequences and Fun!

So the two premises of Love and Logic are:

1. Kids crave the limits they argue about
2. Kids make good decisions by making lots of bad decisions - the road to wisdom is paved with lots of little mistakes

Empathy is the most important and then the consequence. Because empathy focuses on the child's action rather than the parents anger. It is also contagious because every time we use empathy we teach it.

Love and Logic rules:

1. Adult provides limits in a loving way -- there is a leadership vacuum, someone has to take the control and if the parent does not the kid does.
2. When kids cause a problem you hand it back in a loving way. Culture says that problems should be handed to someone else.

Isn't that the case! My kids are always trying to give me a problem and the trouble is sometimes I fall for it and take on their problem. Like if they are fighting, I will step in and handle it but I should be allowing them to deal with it and find a solution. So if siblings argue, Dr. Charles Fay says:

1. Stay out of the problem whenever possible.

• Don't figure out who started and make them say they are sorry
• Don't figure out who started being the bully and punish, because neither role-bully or victim is a healthy role
• Don't tell kids by getting involved that arguing is a good way to change the color of your face.

2. Say, "Looks like you guys have a problem you need to solve."

• Really saying,"You can solve this problem in any way that does not cause a problem for anyone else, I want to help , I'll be happy to share some ideas, when your voice is as calm as mine and one person talks at a time."

3. Ask them one more time to solve problem or go separate ways--say, "Well guys, what did I say?"

• or "Are you guys going to calm down or take it to separate spots?"

4. If it causes a problem for you let empathy and consequences to the teaching.

• "Oh, this is such an energy drain"
• or "Guys, this is so sad, Do you know when you fight and bicker it drains my energy?
• 2nd step - "How will you put energy back in me?"
• 3rd step - "Some kids - take all their toys and put them in the front yard and have a yard sale to pay for their babysitter so mom and dad can go out on a date - to get their energy back. How would that work out? or Some kids will dust the living room or clean toilets, how would that work for you? or Some kids will stay home from the soccer game so their mom and dad can rest up and gain back their energy."
• 4th step - If they ignore you - they are gone to school and come home they find their Nintendo gone - Mom says, "Oh this is so sad, but I learned that when I donate stuff to church that it really charges me up."
• or A babysitter comes. "Guys this is Mabel, She is going to watch you while mom and dad go out to restore their energy, and you can talk to her about how you would like to pay her, she does take toys as payment. Love ya. See ya later."

Now there must be empathy in there or it becomes a threat or a punishment. I was using what I thought was a consequence but it was a threat. - Grant said he does not want to go to school. I would say, "OK, You will have to pay for your babysitter." But I should have said, " Oh that's interesting. How will that work out for you? How are you going to pay for your babysitter?" See the difference between a threat and a consequence. There can be a fine line.

I was also saying if my sons acted up, Oh you need to go to bed 5 minutes early. But I should have been saying, " Oh this is so sad, when you yell about little things it show me you are tired, so we will get you to bed 5 min early. " The first is a punishment and the second is a consequence.

Parenting is the toughest job that we can ever have. I truly believe if we have the right tools that it can become easier and even fun! I again got this information from the Love and Logic Training that I went to, but for more information from the authors you can visit their website listed in my favorites.